Sweet Ms. Janice and KY Jelly

Have you ever walked the aisles of a grocery store, glancing at your grocery list and checking off each item you conveniently drop in the cart, when all of a sudden you walk by an item, that you know you need, but is not on the list, but you buy it anyways?

This happened to me recently. You see, I had just made pancakes for breakfast, early one Saturday morning, before I realized there was no syrup left in the refrigerator or pantry. So naturally, I left for the grocery store with one goal in mind: syrup.

With syrup in hand I proceeded to the front of the store to pay for my item. While walking up one particular aisle I just happened to glance at the items stocked on the shelves to my left. Oh my! A common nun would have turned 10 shades of red and had to say 3 Hail Mary’s if they saw the stock pile of “goods” located on that store shelf. I couldn’t help myself, as I strolled past “The Land of Late Night Love,” I saw it. An item I needed, but did not have on my grocery list.

“How convenient,” I thought. Remembering it was time to make a special purchase from the items to my left.

So I grabbed a bottle of KY Jelly and continued to make my way to the front for check out.

To avoid any embarrassment I immediately scanned the row of registers for the self-check out lanes.

CRAP!!!!!! None were open.

So I looked across the front of the registers only to find one was open. And the sweetest looking, moth ball smelling, knitted scarf wearing, hundred year old lady was working the lone register for the morning.

“Sheesh! This is going to be awkward” I said to myself.

Approaching the register I laid both items, the syrup and the KY Jelly, by the scanner and proceeded to hand the lady my VIC card.

I glanced at her name tag. It read “Ms. Janice.”

Slowly, Ms. Janice scanned the bottle of syrup and placed it inside a beige plastic bag.

Whew! One item scanned with no confrontation. Now let’s go two for two. Scan it, bag it, and let me get outta here, Ms. Janice!

But at that moment, Ms. Janice, with her brittle hands (that smelled like moth balls) grabbed the bottle of KY Jelly, and with a scrunched nose, as if to hold up her bifocals, she began to examine the label.

OH NO!!!!!! What is she thinking? What’s going through her mind? Does she think I’m some perv? Some playa? Just scan the bottle, let me pay, and let me leave!!!!!!!!

After what seemed like hours, Ms. Janice shifted her focus from the bottle of KY Jelly to me. And it was then that my jaw dropped, my stomach sank, the blood running through my body turned ice cold.

Holding the bottle up in her left hand, with the label facing toward me, sweet, moth ball smelling, knitted scarf wearing, hundred year old Ms. Janice boldly exclaimed, “Have you used this before? It’s amazing! My husband loves this brand!”

Oh no she didn’t!!!!!!!!!!!!! Methuselah’s daughter just asked me what….??????

Without any hesitation, Ms. Janice asked if I had tried any of the brands. Not sure what to do, much less, what to say, all I could manage was a slight nod of my head, up and down. With a blushing face, and crackling voice I softly said, “yes.”

At that moment, Ms. Janice laughed so heartily, her Fix-O-Dent teeth nearly chattered their way out of her mouth.

Ms. Janice then made a lunge for my hand as if to guide me somewhere, and said that if I had a minute she wanted to show me some of the other “options” that were, in her words, “just as good as KY!”

With a plastic smile in place, I politely turned down the offer.

Ms. Janice said, “You young people these days are something else! I tell you what. Let me help you out a little bit.”

Ms. Janice slowly placed her brittle, moth ball smelling hand into her deep corduroy trouser pockets.

What was she reaching for? A tissue to wipe the tears from laughter? A stick of gum to cover her K&W Cafeteria breath? A microphone to tell me I was on candid camera? What could she possibly be reaching for?

Low and behold, Ms. Janice, pulled a coupon out of her trouser pockets for $3 dollars off any purchase of KY Jelly!

Are you serious!!!?!??!??!!!!

Ms. Janice is hooking me up (not like that) with a coupon for $3 dollars off any purchase of KY Jelly!?!?!?!?! Incredible!!!!

“Here. Take this coupon,” she said. As she scanned the bottle of KY Jelly and then the coupon. “I hope you have a WONDERFUL day,” she exclaimed with a wink!

“No, Ms. Janice,” I said with a smile. “You have a wonderful day!”

As I walked out of that grocery store, I couldn’t help but laugh. I wanted to call the store manager and relate the story of Ms. Janice and KY Jelly and thank them for hiring such a wonderful cashier. I immediately went home and “liked” the grocer on Facebook, hoping to send word of the story of the corporate office.

Really, I just wanted to thank Ms. Janice, for creating the most memorable shopping experience in the history of human kind.